Vampires, Monsters, and Mutants — Oh, My!
by Th3WorldOnFir3
Summary: Have you ever met a vampire? Well, let me tell you, they're not the scary-ass, unholy creatures of the night that you see in movies and stuff. Well, some are, but I met a few that do some strange stuff. Like - get this - sparkle. Ha!
1. Sir Sparkles

**Author's Note:** Yea, I know the narrator was supposed to be Maximum Ride. So, I switched it to Noel. I tried to recreate Max's personality, but sorry if I just make her sound like a total - excuse my French - bitch. Please let me know if you find the name Max/Maximum Ride in there so that I can save myself a little humiliation ;)

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**Chapter #1 - Sir Sparkles**

"So… wait a minute," I said blankly, bewildered as I glanced at the guy that stood in front of me. He was kinda cute, I guess: bronze hair; soft, butterscotch eyes, and fair, sparkling skin. Yes. It freaking _sparkled_.

I'd been flying over the dense forests of Washington – yes, flying – and out of nowhere, I saw a sort of flickering, shimmering dot below me, flashing through the trees at warp speed. So of course I got curious and followed it. When it stopped in a clearing, the thing turned out to be this guy whose skin was screaming rainbows and ponies in the sun. That's not typical, really. So I'd found a place to land, made myself as normal as possible, and approached. Turned out this guy is a complete dip —

"You're saying you are… a vampire…?" Wasn't much of one, I'd say. I was a bit startled, yea, sure. But vampires aren't supposed to sparkle. I mean, hell, I have wings, and I seem more mystical. But I'm no angel – it's scientific matters. I'll explain later.

The guy nodded, his jaw locked. "Ellie, I can't be s—"

"Hold up," I said, raising my hands in the air. "First off, Edmund… Edwin…

"—Edward—"

"Yea, 'mkay. Edward. I didn't tell you my name, and to you, sir, it's Noel-the-awesomer-than-YOU. So who the hell are you, and what's your business in Washington?"

Edward seemed to put some deep thought into this for some odd reason. "I can read minds," he muttered under his breath, glancing at me harshly. "And, again, my name is Edward Cullen."

I could tell he was getting irate towards me, and I felt a corner of my lips twitch upward in a snicker.

This guy's fun, I thought, feeling blasé. All of a sudden, he looked like he was gonna punch me in the face, and it was actually kind of daunting. I blinked, and my little grin vanished. His answer had only just now decided to sink its self into my brain. He read minds. Which meant he probably knows about me and who I am… about the School down in California and the whitecoats there.

Edward grinned as if in reaction to that thought, tapping his temple with a finger. "Now I do."

Okay, that was creepy.

I folded my arms. This 'vampire' guy was weird, and by default, I wanted to know more about him. Trying to be all secretive like he was, never really works out to well around Noel the Awesomer Than You. I have to take care of myself, and I find that being furtive gets very useful at times. And with that wonderful skill, I also know how to get answers out of people. Most of the time.

I stepped forward and poked his bare chest. "Okay… you read minds. Are there others like you? What are their names? Why are you here?" Edward just stared at me like I was an idiot. But I knew that was all it took; he seemed to understand that I wasn't going to leave without a full story. I couldn't blame 'm.

Looking frustrated and reluctant, he answered. "I live in a coven of eight. Names are not your business. We're here because we live here. In _secret_." He leaned closer and muttered portentously, "Emphasis on the 'secret.'"

"Yea, okay, Sir Sparkles, you already know enough about me. But we're not even yet. I want to know that you're not just some genetically birthed freak like me. Are you—" My remaining breath escaped my lips in a rush and I was suddenly suspended in mid air.

Edward's hand had flashed to my throat too fast to leave me time to react. "I have nothing to do with your School, and I am _not _a mutated freak. I feed off of the very life of living creatures to keep alive. I am a damned monster, _why aren't you afraid_?" His voice was an utter hiss, and I felt an involuntary shudder run down my spine. Yet… still, I felt like laughing my guts out.

"Chill," I wheezed, my fingers violently trying to pry his icy fingers off of my neck.

He dropped me to the ground and turned away from me, rubbing his temples.

"…Why, aren't you just full of surprises? I just thought vampires would be more… you know…"

"Dangerous?"

"I guess," I muttered, rubbing my throat uncomfortably.

"You don't know anything about vampires." It was almost a threat, the way he spat it at me.

"'Kay-'kay," I agreed, suddenly not wanting to argue. I was quiet for a moment, looking around at the sunny meadow we stood in, babbling about. It was almost a perfect circle; yellow, white, and purple flowers dotted the grass here and there, and down the center of it all ran a tiny stream of water that glittered with sunlight, just as much as Edward's skin.

I saw him fold his arms across his twinkling rainbow chest, muscles rippling beneath the weird cold flesh. Official, I thought. I found a new Number One for my weird-stuff list.

"Do you mind?" Grumbled Sir Sparkles.

I shrugged and put my hands on my hips. "You're the one poking through _my_ head."

"Well your thoughts are as loud as your mouth," he retorted. I rolled my eyes.

"You're a bit uptight, what's got your panties in a bunch?"

Edwardian was quiet for a second.

Aha. Jack pot.

But to my surprise, he came straight out with it, as if trying to redeem his civility. "The coven has received two death notes in the past month… from an organization called… Hellsing," explained Edward

Edward pulled a folded piece of parchment from his jeans pocket. Unfolding it, he handed it to me. Golly gee, this guy just wants to share all his problems with me. Maybe I shouldn't have asked.

I took the parchment and glossed over the elegant script. Little bits of the letter immediately caught my eye. For example: "I have received word of human slaughter in your area."

Even better: "I advise you to reap order of your little coven, or I'll personally have an agent take care of it."

It was signed, " – Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing." Wow. Long name.

I almost laughed at the whole thing.

But then I realized – human slaughter. How many men and women and children actually _die_ because of these vampire freaks? This was possibly worse than the School with it's experiments and all? Was that possible?

Edward broke in just then.

"You finally realized that vampires are a serious matter? Good for you." I felt him lean in over my shoulder to look at the parchment for maybe the fiftieth time. I nearly shuddered when I realized how close he was to my neck, but he seemed to ignore that fact. "It states that there has been enough killings for authorities to pitch in. But this organization – Hellsing – is something I, or any of my allies, have never heard of." I barely heard this, for I was too busy at that moment, imagining the feeling of fangs ripping through my flesh and veins. I really did shudder right then.

Edward suddenly seemed strained and he took a step back. If that was his reaction to my thought, then it was a strange one. I just shrugged and shook it off, glad he was at a safe distance. I never thought vampires would actually seem so threatening – considering that only a few minutes ago I thought he was weird and slightly gay because he sparkled; Hell, was I wrong!

Sparkleboy spoke again, gesturing to himself. "My coven… we're different from most of our kind. We don't kill humans. We live on animal blood."

"Sort of like a carnivorous vegetarian," I chuckled darkly, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. "Well, ain't that an oxymoron?"

"Yea, that's what we call ourselves sometimes. It's really an inside joke in the Cullen house."

"You're an oxymoron." Heh.

"Whatever. The point is that we aren't the cause of all those innocent people. There must be one or more vampires in Forks, because all of the recent deaths here have resulted in ravaged, blood-drained bodies. The coven has been on high alert since the first low suspicions; you caught me while I was running a patrol around our territory.

"I'm exposing my skin to the sunlight so that another vampire knows that I'm here. It's a signal to foreigners. We can see miles around, you know."

I just stood there, watching him while he droned on about his problems, mostly talking to himself.

It was a second or two before I realized that he'd shut his mouth and looked Northeast of where we stood. I glanced in that direction, trying to match my gaze with his, but saw nothing.

"What?"

Then exactly where Edward was staring, two girls picked their way through a clump of ferns. One carried an adorable little girl with caramel curls and smiling brown eyes.

"Hi, Noel!" Chirped the black-haired one, who looked oddly like a little pixie. I looked at her, one eye switching, and she smiled at me.

I looked at Edward. He answered the question in my head before I even thought about asking it.

"Only I can read minds. Alice sees the future."

"Of course," I muttered under my breath.

Alice nodded and frolicked toward Edward and I. As she moved, I noticed she did so like a ballet dancer, lithe and graceful. I had to admit, all of them were considerably nimble in every tiny movement I saw.

Alice hugged me, at which I went rigid. "I saw you talking with Edward, and I wanted to meet you." She glanced back at the other girl with the child, who was approaching more slowly, her soft eyes on me.

"That's Bella and Nessie," said Alice, jerking her thumb over her shoulder.

"Renesmee," Bella corrected. I gave the little girl a smile. It was strange; Renesmee seemed like the sweetest little thing I'd ever seen. I didn't trust her for a second.

Bella walked over and joined Edward, locking gazes with him. Something must have been exchanged between them in that moment, because Edward suddenly nodded, his topaz eyes flickering to me for a second.

"We've received a third letter."


	2. The Third Letter

**Chapter #2 - The Third Letter**

"Say that again." I folded my arms across my chest.

"Why?" Edwardo asked, the oh-so-serious expression turning uncertain, and slightly annoyed.

"Because I told you to," I said simply, looking at my nails and standing like a total girl. Alice, probably having seen my upcoming joke, giggled quietly.

"…Alright then." He cleared his throat awkwardly, looking confused. "We've received a third letter…?"

There was a brief moment of silence. Then…

"OH, MY GAWD! Are you _cereal_?" I put on a façade of shock, though I knew it looked unreal and mostly mocking. Good. Both hands flew up to my cheeks and I shrieked erratically, "O-M-F-G! We're all gonna die!"

Right then Edward's face was priceless, and I wished I had a camera. Really, there's no way to depict it, but all I can say is _he looked pissed._ Bella was quiet, bouncing the kid in her arms, but she looked irritated too. What can I say? I'm a joker.

Alice was trying not to laugh, I could see. I decided right then that I liked her. She was cool.

Edward sighed, his butterscotch eyes glaring daggers at me. "This isn't a game, Maximum." Then he turned and the four of them started off toward the trees, out of which Alice, Bella, and Renesmee had appeared.

I stood there, staring after them. "Crap."

"Hang on a minute," I said, having to jog to catch up with them. Dang, they were fast - even when walking. "I demand to be a part of this!"

Only Sparkleboy turned, the others passing him without glancing back. "Being a part of this may include getting killed."

I paused for a minute, but suddenly recalled how much my life sucked. "Hell, getting killed is far more favorable than having to live with the memory of a death."

He only scowled and continued walking. I followed, several steps behind. Once I picked my way through the dense shrubbery and into the shelter of the forest, I found myself alone. Only a couple dust trails had been kicked up, to point me in the right direction.

Ah, great. Thanks, guys.

There was no clearing in the trees, so I pulled myself onto the nearest branch and started climbing. By the time I reached the top of the tree, I had one or two thin scratches on my arms, from sharp twigs and stuff. I didn't care, they'd be gone in two seconds.

I stood up, balancing myself on the thin branch, and took off my jacket.

My wings flexed automatically, having been squashed uncomfortably to my back beneath a bulky jacket.

I did an up and away, my feathers catching and gathering the wind easily. The air was dense, and with only a few down strokes, I was golden.

I followed the general direction the trails pointed, and within minutes, I came to a huge house in a grassy feild. I circled it from way up, just to make sure this wasn't some forester's house or something. It wouldn't be all that great to let myself into a stranger's house and ask for a sparkling vampire, now would it?

But then my sharp eyes made out the figure of Edward, basically looking like a twinkling dot; a star on the Earth. He and Alice were standing in the middle of a long gravel driveway that snaked from the house, back into the woods, and emptied out onto a large road, maybe a quarter mile from the house.

I tucked my wings in and came down fast, enjoying the exhilarating thrill of free fall. Maybe a hundred above the ground, I snapped them to full span, slowing quickly for a safe landing. My feet touched the ground, and when I looked up, Edward was staring.

"What?" I said nonchalantly. "Never seen a flying mutant bird girl before? You need to get out more."

Past him, I saw five pairs of eyes watching me from the front steps at the porch of the house, with those same topaz irises. Neither Bella nor Renesmee were among them, and I guessed they were inside.

I started walking toward the house, Edward and Alice behind me. "Heyla," I greeted them, starting to feel self-conscious. Their stares made me feel like I had a bright neon sign above my head, saying. "MUTANT BIRD FREAK HERE."

Edward did the honors of introduction. The boy whose hand was intertwined with Alice's was Jasper (he looked like he was majorly sleep-deprived); the extraordinarily beautiful blondie was Rosalie, the huge buff guy beside her, Emmett; and the two that looked more like grown-ups were the parental figures, I guess, Esme and Carlisle.

Esme was really sweet; she offered me a bunch of food once we were inside, while everyone else sat down around an oval table in a really nice dining room. Carlisle was sophisticated, very gentle. Rosalie didn't bother to look at me, for which I was grateful, and Emmett, who sat beside me, just flat out bugged the hell out of me by poking my wings through my jacket.

I'd turned to glare up at him, like, twice to get him to stop. At first, he'd scared me, had me on my toes, but now I wanted to smack him upside the head.

Edward was on my other side, and I felt surrounded. And with all the inhumanly beautiful people in the room, my self-esteem dropped to about zero on the scale of one to ten.

Carlisle was carefully opening an envelope. It was sealed the old fashioned way, with a red wax seal. The wax was molded into a weird 's' symbol with sort of an eye above it. I'm not really positive as to what it signified, but it sure looked cool.

I watched, munching busily on my Cracker Jacks, as he pulled out a folded parchment, much like the one Edward had shown me back in the circular meadow. It wasn't long, and much of the paper was blank. He read it aloud for us to hear:

"The Cullens - You have received our second and final warning, and you ignored it. And now, in your Third Letter, we acquaint you with your sentence. By the order of the Hellsing domain, we summon you forth to explain your inattentive actions. If you are not at the given location within two days, I shall send an agent to personally destroy you. Signed, Integra F. W. Hellsing."

The eight pale faces were rigid. The only sound in the room was my chewing of caramel popcorn and peanuts, while the Cullens exchanged glances.

The opened envelope I saw had a return address on it, and a tiny grin crept across my lips as I read it. In my best English accent, I announced, "Pack your bags, chaps. We're goin' to the Big Smoke!"


	3. We Come In Pieces

**Chapter #3 - We Come In Peaces**

The next day was spent in preparation for our trip to Europe. Several times, Blondie looked like she was gonna slap me silly, or Edward would pull me aside and try to persuade me for the umpteenth time to 'save myself the trouble and not come.' Direct quote from Mr. Twinkle. But, being as stubborn as I am, I plugged my ears and deliberately started humming.

Bella was going to stay in Forks with Renesmee and some huge guy that seemed a bit to close to the child. I never got around to asking about that strange relationship.

All my packing was done as soon as I returned from town. I made a quick stop by the local clothing department to, uh, 'borrow' some extra clothes for the trip. Heck, the only clothes I had before this were the ones I wore at the moment. I 'borrowed' a flannel shirt, jeans, and a nice white halter-top sundress. Good enough for me.

Three cars, and I admit that they were all really nice (very shiny), were driven to the airport. It was like everyone needed his or her own car. Well, except me. I can't put up with small, enclosed spaces. So I took to the sky and rode some nice updrafts, all the way down to Portland, Oregon – since that was the closest airline that would take us to Europe.

Once we were all on the plane, I felt surrounded, trapped. The plane took off and began its ten-hour journey, and I was clutching the armrests and trying not to hyperventilate. My wings were kept tightly pressed to my back beneath my bulky overcoat; I knew this would get very uncomfortable, very soon.

There was only one way to pass the time….

After maybe three and a half hours, I turned to Edward, who, again sat at my side. I was seated closest to the isle, so I wasn't encircled, which made me feel a whole lot better. But it was still pretty bad.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I was I was interrupted by Grumples.

"You need to realize how serious this is. Now cut it out, or I'll do it for you."

_Cut what out? My heart? Aha. _I rolled my eyes as he lay back in his seat again, looking annoyed.

"Well, if your gonna die – and I'm not saying you will – you might as well have some fun." I folded my arms, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. "So who was that big guy?"

"What big guy?"

"The one that was looking at the kid—"

"—Renesmee—"

"—looking at Renesmee like she was something to eat?"

Edwardo frowned. "Jacob."

"He's not a vampire, is he?"

"No. He's a werewolf."

I sniggered, skepticism practically flying off of me in sparks. "A werewolf? What next? Am I gonna meet a leprechaun or something?" Seriously, wherever I went, there was weird, weirder, and more weird than I.

Edward shrugged.

"Oh, come _on._ I've meet people with huge pointy ears – and I, myself, have _wings_. So now there are werewolves?"

He shrugged again. "Yes."

Well, I guess this didn't surprise me all that much. To tell the truth, the word 'werewolf' reminded me of Erasers.

What are Erasers, you ask? Well, they come from my history of this place called 'the School.' You see, I had avian DNA grafted into my own, hence the wings. I am two percent bird. I prefer the term 'Avian-American.'

Anywho, the School created Erasers by mixing human and wolf DNA. These recombinant life forms look like sexy male models when in human form. _But_, they can morph into huge ugly wolf things that loved to kill everything that crossed paths with them. I've only had a few experiences with them, but I'll tell you – they're freaking _vicious_. The whole reason I'd been in Forks the last couple of days was because those creeps have been stalking me all over the United States for, like, _ever_.

That thought made me stiffen in my overstuffed chair. The killings weren't caused by the sparkling vampires or the (_Phfft…_) werewolves, but the Erasers! They'd probably found me. But why were they killing people? I guess I wouldn't put it past them… they were monsters, after all. I'd brought the destruction upon that town, and no doubt several others that I'd managed to take refuge within.

I felt Edward's auburn eyes searching my face, probably even searching my mind. He was well aware of my realization now, this I knew. He was scowling at me. I looked at him; saw him about to say something. I interrupted.

"I'm sorry!" I said, trying to keep my voice low. "I should have gone somewhere else."

He sighed. "Don't be. Listen, you got us into this mess, but I'm taking us out. These 'Erasers' are probably not half of what I've scene from the Quileute pack."

"Eh…" was all I felt like. Eh. I huffed, getting up.

"Where are you going?" He muttered, looking worn.

"Gotta pee." I replied quickly, hurrying off down the narrow isle.

I took off my jacket once I was in the tiny compact bathroom, spreading my wings as much as the walls would allow. I leaned my forehead against one of the walls as it all caught up to me.

Vampires. Werewolves. Leprechauns. Wow. Oh, hang on – no leprechauns. My bad. Dang, I'm getting extremely confused. A lot of folklore, lately, had proven to be reality, and I was beginning to wonder about my mental stability. This was al ridiculously… well, there's no word for it, as far as my vocabulary extends.

I did myself a favor and inhaled deeply through my nose, but found myself gagging, my face twisted with repulsion. _Eww. _Remind me not to do _that_ again!

I found myself holding my breath as I pulled my jacket on, and rather quickly exited the tiny putrid room. What I wouldn't give to be outside of the plane altogether.

I picked my way back to my seat, then was quiet for a while. I tried not to bug the Cullens, but eventually, boredom won me over.

I sneaked a look at Edward. He looked at me as soon as he felt my eyes on him, and I quickly looked down at a magazine in my lap that I'd been reading. He resumed his endless stare toward the window, and I looked up again.

"Poke," I said, and I prodded the side of his head with a finger. He ignored me, but I saw his muscles tense.

I tried again. "Po—"

"What is your _problem_?" He hissed, suddenly fuming.

I shrugged, pursing my lips casually. "Boredom. You. Being in a plane with over fifty other people and an outrageously smelly bathroom. What do you expect?"

"I _expect _you to behave like a human being."

"You're not a human being."

"But _you are_," he retorted.

I stopped myself from correcting him and was silent for several minutes. This pretty much set the mood for the rest of the ride, with the exception of my sleeping for maybe four hours total. How _fun _it is to ride on a plane for ten hours straight with fifty people plus seven vampires, right?


	4. The Big Smoke

**Chapter #3 - We Come in Pieces**

Ah, yes. The thrill of freedom. So peaceful.

Nice updrafts cradled me in the sky, the warm sun hitting my back and wings. I had the pleasure of doing a few loops, nose-dives, all that fun stuff. Until I turned around to see a huge jet in my face. I braced myself for impact; there was no time to move. I shut my eyes tightand waited. All I felt in the next few seconds was a sharp quaking.

When I opened my eyes again, I looked up to see Edward shaking me.

"What?" I grumbled drowsily, blinking the dream away.

"Ride's over. Get up." He said, grabbing my bag from the luggage rack for me. How sweet.

"Arrawrawr…" I don't know what that was, but I said it around a yawn as I stretched. I slumped out of my seat and looked around. People were filing out of the plane, and we were the last ones to unload.

I jumped up and took my bag, swallowing another yawn.

"M'kay… move please," I mumbled sleepily and slipped around Edward. Outside, I looked around. Bring on the London-ish things. Unlike in my dream, there was a light drizzle and I was nowhere near warm. Damn. "Where to?" I asked once Edward joined us at the front of the airport.

"We'll get you something to eat, and then we have to plot out a few things until tomorrow," chirped Alice, and I shrugged. She was right, I was hungry; peanuts didn't satisfy a growing bird kid's stomach for long.

With the coming of the next three or four hours, I'd stuffed my face with Fish and Chips and some delicious British pastries (and a few other delicacies whose names I had no clue of, because the author barely knows anything about England) while Edward, Carlisle, and Alice planned out possible escape routes or whatever. Everyone else had left to hunt or something. But I sat in the shadows of the corner of the room, half daydreaming, half asleep, and another half (yes, a third half) watching Edward, just waiting for the chance to piss him off.

Oh, that reminds me, let me describe the setting. It was actually pretty funny really. Vampires apparently had a way of retreating into dark, underground rooms. It was almost medieval, considering the way that several candles lit up the stone walls of the cellar we were in. We'd managed to find an old-fashioned Shoppe building that was unoccupied.

I was sitting – upside down, I might add – on a torn and rugged sofa that had been shoved aside to make way for a table. On that table were several candles of various heights, which lit up about four or five pieces of paper sprawled out for the three to look tell the truth, the whole thing kind of got me thinking of Hogwarts.

So I just sat there, bored out of mind. From what I could see, on the candlelit table were the three letters, maybe a map of London, and a couple others that I didn't care much about. For all I cared, they were planning how we were going to attend our own funerals. I didn't know if Edward was going to try the whole Eraser explanation or not, but it still looked like we didn't have much of a chance.

"Hey… hey Edwardo?" I called, shifting uncomfortably in my chair. Still upside down. "There's this cool new thing called _common sense. _I mean, you may as well be planning how we're going to walk right in and shake hands with Death."

He snorted. "You still don't have to come. You still have a chance to save yourself."

"I can still save you guys, remember? I know all about the Erasers." I tried to sit upright, but I somehow found myself sprawled out on the floor in the next second. Graceful, right?

I yawned, then blinked at Edward.

"Is there anything else you would like to bug me about?" He asked, half turned back to the table.

"Yes." I kept a straight face. "Harry Potter called. He wants his dorm back." Now, that may not have been very funny to you, but you kind of had to be there to get it. Just the look of the room… yea.

Edward sighed and turned back to Alice and Carlisle.

I scrambled back into the chair and curled up, smiling as I did so. This would get interesting. Tomorrow, I might die. But tomorrow, I might take recognition as the girl who saved nine immortal lives. Cool.

I don't know why I was so happy at a time like this. I guess that was just me, making jokes even in the face of Death.

* * *

**Funny so far? Yes? No?  
Plz review, I wanna know if I'm good at mild humor.  
EDIT: My comp crashed and erased EVERYTHING so I'll have to make you wait another week or so. So sorry ;)**


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